The light never goes out…

… you know the one at the end of the tunnel. It’s still there, it’s just that the length of the pathway, the obstacles in my way and the stability of the road aren’t clear. And at the moment it feels very unstable and full of obstacles. Relentlessly so. I’m quite literally treading water with my energy, my body, my health. And I keep thinking “oooo, just gotta do x, y and z and then I can recover a little….” but then the list is scuppered by major dramas. Just to list a few to give an indication:

  • Major roof leak (on one section of the single-storey part of the house only)
  • Car drama – headlights stopped working, intermittently, couldn’t recreate scenario at the garage. Eventually got something sorted.
  • Logan’s sleep saga continues… although now we are back (begrudgingly) with Melatonin and this time we are actually seeing some more benefit than last time; it definitely hasn’t fixed the problem, but we are seeing more “good” nights (where there’s a more solid chunk of sleep).
  • Caitlin’s muscular issues have been fluctuating, and where we have had a more steady constant stream of physical activity, I am less able to predict what’s going to be too much (I am sure our super steep stairs do not help, some visitors actually get anxiety about coming down them).
  • Colds and Flu – I have SOOOOOOOOOOOO not been on top of our immunity routine. And although we have a very good diet, it just hasn’t been enough. Cue a series of colds, and what we think was the flu on the last batch.
  • Bank drama – 6 months after moving (5 months after no access to old house/address change) the bank decided to “accidentally” post some of our account details to an old address (I had been into the bank to change it personally as they wouldn’t do it over the phone/couldn’t online). So needless to say I am changing banks.
  • Therapy – each session seems to actually be leaving the kids feeling vulnerable afterwards and having an impact on behaviour for a week or two afterwards now. Which is good in some ways (it’s working, but it’s exhausting).
  • Uni – has started back up again, and I may have bitten off more than I can chew all things considered this year, but I’m the kind of person that makes things happen. I always have been.

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However, despite all the drama and exhaustion, we now have someone coming in to do the deeper clean of the bathroom, en suite and kitchen. And a volunteer from a wonderful charity called Home Start coming in to just give me a bit of human interaction once a week (and eventually we are hoping it’ll lead to respite for me, when the kids are able to trust her enough to listen to her whilst I am out of the room for long enough for me to just go read a bit, or soak a bit), and access to regular groups where the kids can just be themselves without me having to care.

AND on top of that, I actually got some me time. with a friend… a mini spa day (by mini I mean, no treatments just use of the facilities and a relax for a while). It was at the St Pierre Marriott Hotel and Country Club. I will not waste my time with a review – I will just say: we arrived to find staff talking about their desire to “get out of there” and travel and work cash in hand on the fly as they do, with little interest in us actually checking in/any queries. The facilities were tired and outdated. When we got in the jacuzzi, it was hard to relax for all the unregulated children running around screaming, and when they finally left I had a headache and couldn’t be bothered any longer. Got out to try and have lunch, and despite the bar being less than 25% seated, they told me food would be at least a 45 minute wait. Don’t even bother going. It wasn’t all to waste though, as I went by train so I got to enjoy listening to music on my MP3, whilst alternating between reading my Kindle and checking out the views!

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Regardless. I am here, plodding on, taking the obstacles as I come upon them. Some days life feels like it is moving forward. Some days it feels as if the weight of the world is against us (or rather me) and that I am fighting against it alone. But now it feels like we are balancing out a bit more, like the days moving forward are happening more. Still largely over shadowed by fighting and grief, but with a more constant presence of underlying peace and happiness.

 

30 Days Wild – Day 10

I bet you can’t guess what we did today… oh yes… that’s right. Another day in the garden.

But today, patience and tolerance of being exposed to the “what’s going to be… once the work is done” was too much for the children. It was awful. I mean, with attachment issues, change is never easy, but when it’s prolonged and exposed over such a long period it’s very difficult. Both of us are working it to try and make it go fast, but today there was a lot the kids couldn’t help with, and they simply cannot do unsupervised/safe even 10 feet away from us at the moment. You have to give them full attention or be prepared for things to turn ugly… it got ugly.

However, we did encounter spiders, flies (many of the biting variety too – our legs look like we all suddenly broke out in chicken pox somewhat). And we did take a break to picnic outside Tesco, on their benches near the river, eating sandwiches from the deli fridge (they now have a vegan range which means I can finally have a sandwich and not be concerned about dairy – many cheers for that). We of course remembered to take some seed with us, to feed the geese. Caitlin was very (loudy) annoyed, once again, that there was someone feeding them bread “and not just a little bit Mumma, they are giving them the whole loaf. They need to stop!”.

I think the children will feel rewarded though ultimately. As they now have a standing playhouse, a couple of places had fresh ply so need a couple more coats of paint… and then they are in… 35026336_10155362688681246_257758901741551616_n

30 Days Wild – Day 8

Well it’s been a long day… I didn’t manage to get a photo of the 30 Days Wild activities in action… yes like most days at the moment we have been working in the garden. Desperately clearing the ground to try and ready it for the children’s play area section.

I’m ignoring the end 10 foot of the garden, cause frankly it’s 10 foot deep, 13 feet wide and about 10 foot tall of thick bush. I’m ignoring it for a while until I feel a bit more “ready” for a challenge! (And yes that has to go too… as there’s all kinds of rubbish in that too). I have plans for it… going to be a bit of a surprise for the children when we finally get to doing it.

Only today Logan has been designated the title “Environmental Dispatch Specialist” basically rubbish locating and disposing. And Caitlin has been “Nature Safety Manager” meaning, removal of bugs to a safer location… than in the path of Mumma – “Mega Destruction Operative” hehehe

But we have the base of their playhouse laid down, slabs to the front of it laid down, the next section down has been weed-control-sheeted; wood chipped has been purchased and laid; sandpit built and filled (I recommend never buying a Blooma sand pit from B&Q – chiseled slots different sizes, wood split slotting together, pilot screw holes in incorrect positions – like not even the correct side of the wood – just don’t do it); the climbing dome pinned down and in position… a whole 18 foot in length of the 90 foot of garden needing landscaping is roughly done. The playhouse still needs to be painted and erected, but its base is in position and it’s ready to go.

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I think we have spent the best part of 10 hours outside today. With the threat of rain, but moments of sunshine. We have enjoyed meeting the worm family, the slug family, the snail family, the spiders and beetles and the random fly that looked rather peculiar, but I couldn’t describe or identify. Of course, all of the bugs we came across are most definitely from the same family, I know, cause I was scolded by Caitlin that “of course they are, they are all in our garden. They live in the same house. DUH!”

Anyhow… excuse the wonderful editing skills… my neighbours have not signed up to have their houses on show, wouldn’t want to annoy them… This is what we have left to do…

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