Sorry. Once again. Sorry for my silence.
One of the biggest problems in an adoptive placement is how quickly the settled can become unsettled again. And “unsettled” is definitely one word that could be used towards describing the last couple of weeks.
Things got a bit disruptive, and then I got exhausted. Having trouble with my gall bladder (and consequently my liver) meaning that I can not consume dairy, or meat, means I need to follow a vegan diet – which is time consuming for someone who also refuses to eat processed foods (so no meat substitute). So, when things get tense chaotic and busy here I end up sacrificing my required diet; despite knowing quite what it means in terms of tummy consequences, pain and fatigue, I do it anyway because “it’s just me” and I really just don’t have the energy anyhow, feeling fatigued and in pain is only one step further right?
Well, that’s what happened until Caitlin got a tummy bug and I caught it. BAM! My body is so physically run down that, what was a 12 hour stint for her was a 5 day stint for me, with coming close to hospitalisation as my blood sugar dipped. But that would have brought about a whole other level of issues with the kids – so I said “if it’s not too risky, I would like to stay at home a while longer, with guidance, so I can see if I can get better without spiraling the kids into despair”. So, with some guidance, I stayed at home and rested. And got gradually better.
But I had lost 8lbs, my stomach had shrunk so eating was difficult and often uncomfortable and for the next 10 days, or so, every part of me hurt, every activity exhausted me and/or had to be done in stages. And then a cold hit the household and I got taken back down again.
I am slowly getting back on top of things, but in between all the ill, I have had to pick up the pieces of the kids feeling so disturbed by me being so physically out of action. In the history of their lives with us, I have only been down for 1 period of time other than this, and luckily it was Christmas so Bruce was home to help. I have my issues, but nothing that really floors me very often, just the odd day here and there. So for them it is so hard to see me so fragile and useless. I am the only person that is there for them 24 hours a day, and suddenly I wasn’t. For children who’ve lived in at least 3 families (birth, foster and adoptive) which is the minimum usually for an adopted child, abandonment issues are right under the surface; your main carer suddenly being rendered useless is abandonment in their eyes – they are going to lose another family… again.
So that’s where we have been (added to therapeutic assessments, hospital appointments and starting a degree – yes I am crazy enough to add a degree and a blog to my work load).
Right now I can’t promise to be writing at a specific interval, all I can promise is that my “working towards” aim is to be publishing a”main” blog post weekly, and perhaps some smaller ones, or reviews in between if and when. But for now, I just promise I will write as often as I can, give as much of myself as is possible, write notes in between of things I need to catch up with and then catch up when I can.
That’s just the way life is for us, our pleasant chaos; it’s mad, it’s busy, it’s impossible… but we wouldn’t change our lives for the world. (Obviously we would add things in, like actually therapeutic support… but we wouldn’t go back and erase, or eradicate anything).