I know, as humans, there are times when we find ourselves wondering what it’d be like if we had a magic remote that enabled us to pause, rewind or even fast forward life.
Tonight, I am finding myself more in need of this all powerful, all magical and all enticing mystical remote than ever.
Yesterday, selfish old me, went to a lecture 3 hours followed by a spot of lunch with one of my new course mates and then used the chance of being child-free to go “santa shopping”. Yep, the time I get without prying eyes is so scarce that October really is a great time to be planning forward (amongst other reasons). But in all I was out of the house perhaps 6 hours.
That 6 hours was enough to trigger all sorts of anxiety, abandonment and separation issues for my children. For my eldest that meant, complete and utter refusal to sleep… and of course, in a way that means everyone else has to be awake too. Fed up of trying to play it out with patience. Fed up of feeding into another anxiety behaviour (lying and avoidance – at all costs – of the truth). Fed up of working around the clock. Fed up of being ill, in pain and unrested. Fed up of being punished for anything I do. Fed up, exhausted, ill, in pain, irritable, losing tolerance. I decided I couldn’t do it anymore.
Last night I had less than an hour’s sleep before giving up at 3am and saying “fine, you want to be awake, we’ll be awake, but not to play. This is not play time. It’s craft time. You will silently do crafts and not wake anyone else up.”
Since getting actually sick (on top of my exhausted bodily problems, my intolerances and the problems with my gall bladder etc.) I have been struggling to get back on my feet. And every time I think I am getting somewhere, I get struck down again by another bug, by the bug’s second wind, by exhaustion over being ill. I dunno. Just anything. And this lack of sleep, the lack of energy to plan, buy, prep and eat foods that won’t make me more ill. All of it is adding a toll I can’t compensate for.
And this evening I find myself torn. I literally feel like I just need to check out of life. Like I just need everything to stop, like taking me and the kids away to a hotel, locking ourselves away for a week. Snacks, toys, activity books, drinks, bath sensory play stuff and the bare essentials besides that. And just stay in the room, ordering room service, having breakfast in the room. Occassionally popping out for air. But away from everyone. And away from all responsibility and just get better. Properly.
But I can’t just hit the pause on life. Cause they need therapy. I have appointments outstanding, various professionals chasing me for a sensory questionnaire, or an educational philosophy, or a behavioural and emotional update.
I am one fricking person. Just one. Dealing with 2 complex children, home educating, providing therapy and guidance where so many damn professional bodies shirk responsibility “oh no, ‘a’ is an adopted child, that’s not our responsibility”, “nope. It’s not in the adoption support plan, that you agreed to [before you ever met the children, based on a report that clearly doesn’t even represent these children cause no one ever took the necessary time to actually even try to understand them] so no we won’t provide that help”. Trying to keep a house clean 24/7 as anything looking messy makes Logan feel chaotic and act chaotic and emotional. Trying to stay on top of all admin, prepare for a run of birthdays and then obviously Christmas. And generally just live.
My body is broken. My mind is broken. I am broken. I am not useful whilst I am broken. And I don’t know how to fix myself without the money I don’t have, the support I don’t have or time I don’t have.
Where is the remote?