Getting better: it’s hard.

When you are ill or suffering from post illness chronic fatigue, it is vital that you rest. But it’s really hard because somethings in life don’t just stop when you are ill. You still have to get on with things, and when you are primary carer to 2 complex children the days are very much arduous like a full time, demanding job. So “rest” isn’t really rest. You have to be continuously on your toes.

However, I am slowly getting up and about a bit more. Trying to push myself to get out of the house for an hour or two here and there. But I get tired very, very quickly. And because the children are seeing my health waver up and down, it’s been made all the more difficult; when they see me not being strong their anxiety and therefore hyper-vigilance rises. In turn, out comes the emotional behaviour.

Anyhow. When we haven’t been out and when I have been sofa bound, I have been trying to distract the children by getting them doing bits and bobs. They have been taking massive pride in being able to help with chores. They have been asking to do academic worksheets. They have done crafts, cooking and letter writing. A particular favourite was making slime (as per these instructions). And most of it has been achieved at a distance.

 

Adoption: why does it create burnout?

As per my previous post (Burnout) my body is so burnt out that a cold turned into a chest infection. 2 weeks later I’m still getting over it and knowing my body well and how it feels I can see I’m going to be battling chronic fatigue now. This is the result of secondary trauma, compassion fatigue and a support system that doesn’t work. Adoption isn’t hard because of the kids. Adoption is hard because of a system that’s too weak to support the children’s needs.

They are only entitled to basic medical needs on NHS (if they needed A&E through accidental, or if they had a medical problem like anaemia or asthma etc.) Anything mental health, sensory, behavioural and developmental must be done through the Adoption support (because the NHS won’t even look into until they know it’s not ado[tion related). Which means, £5000 is their cap on therapeutic support and specialist equipment. £2500 is the cap for assessing. Meaning they can be assessed once in a year. If one of them needed a specialist car seat (which we are on the border of needing) it costs £2200+. So we’d have the option to self fund that £2200 bill, or to halve our current therapy which is only 8 sessions per year as it is.

Adoption is not hard because of the kids. Adoption is hard because of the fights you have to go through to get their basic needs met. Because of the circles you run in trying to prove whether their needs are medical or adoption related (don’t even go there if the two overlap – dyspraxia/DCD+ attachment related development and sensory issues).By the time you finish the fight, there’s pretty much nothing left for the children who need all of your energy and attention to help them heal. Do you fight, and neglect them whilst you fight? Or do you not fight, and neglect them by not getting them what they need? Either way, they are left neglected in some form. It’s not right.

The children are being removed through experiences of neglect, and in turn they are being setup to be neglected in some way shape or form. Us adopters aren’t robots or machines. We have a finite amount of energy. Things shouldn’t be made so difficult for us to help the children. I made the selfish choice to adopt, to become a mum. But I did it not knowing they’d be refused all they need. It is torture to watch. Exhausting to live. And isolating.

Things need to change. Not just for us as a family, but nationally, as I know we are just one in a picture of thousands of families in similar situations. We didn’t mess our children up, we are trying to pick the pieces up, unsupported. It’s like trying to push toothpaste back into a tube that’s still being squeezed. It’s not working.

I don’t want to mum today.

Almost a week of this stupid bug, kids with anxiety so high that even just trying to get to breakfast is an exhausting battle, and having to get through the trauma of the nights (nightmares really high again for one child, crying/defending self in sleep, the other just flat out refusing sleep or help).
 
I don’t want to be a mum today. I just want to hide. My body is in agony. No one sees this side, everyone just sees my “charming, well behaved, polite and compliant” children. I apparently make up their struggle, or exaggerate it to my own end. “How could they possible be as bad as [I] say they are”. Trauma that’s how, they hold it together in front of everyone else to protect themselves. But at home, in the place they feel safest (not safe, just safest, they still don’t have any reason to trust me to be the mum they need me to be). 
I am burnt out. Caitlin had the same cold as me. For her it lasted 12 hours. For me, a week later it’s still going strong because my body is too exhausted to fight it. So yeah, once again I am sat here, out of energy, depleted of the patience and tolerance I need to get through the day and it’s not even 9am yet wondering how the hell any of us are still going to be breathing at the end of the day. 
I hope I can turn it into a positive day, despite knowing right now I don’t have much hope. But I thought it’d be worth sharing this in the moment because these are the times no one sees.

30 Days Wild – Day 23

Well, it was a bit hard to take in nature and wildlife yesterday, as we spent a large majority of our day on motorways and major A roads. Caitlin has jumped from being just under 17kg to 18.7kg in amongst this house move drama. This means that she’s too heavy for her car seat harness, so would either need to go to being secured only with the seatbelt (but she can’t even stay up right in a chair due to her posture), or a seat with a harness that goes up to a weight capacity higher (25kg/36kg).

So, knowing this day was coming I had searched some things (but had been holding off in the hopes that the OT report would be through as they were supposed to be making some recommendations). But clearly we weren’t meant to wait.

We booked in with the Disability Specialist at the In Car Safety Centre in Milton Keynes. We were lucky enough to manage to get a same day appointment, within a feasible driving time. We were greeted well, they had a little room the children could play in at the side, and the shop floor was clean well presented and inviting. And the assistant knew her stuff, and didn’t push for u to get the highest priced seat. We wound that the seats were a little higher in price than we could have found them by shopping around. But the service we received, and the knowledge that we were going away safe not “sold”, more than covered the difference. (They do not know I am writing this so, no I am not writing positively for any benefit, reward or compensafftion).

Anyhow, it was hard to enjoy the sunshine whilst we were sat on a motorway with it beating down on the car. And by the time we got home it was a bit late to be getting out and about. However, we do have the Collins Michelin i-SPY books, so we were looking out for animals, birds and trees.

30 Days Wild – Day 22

Yesterday was one of those awful days where nothing seems to go right, a chain of one after the other incidents leaves you feeling at a loss… and it was only 9:45 by this point – culminating in me swallowing a lip bar, which really was the tip of the iceberg. We had had wet pants (and carpet because there was just so damn much) meltdowns and arguments, stubbed toes… the works by this point.

So when we’d finally eaten breakfast at 9:45 I got the children to clear the living room and get out sheepskins, blankets and cushions, and we grabbed the Magic Faraway Tree Collection, which frankly has been sat on the shelf for ages waiting for the right moment. I used to read them to Caitlin at bed time when she first came to live with us, but aside from that, they’ve not been read. After a chapter, or two, the kids had a nap (much needed) and I sorted some jobs out.

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But afterwards, we collected ourselves, set off to the garden and enjoyed leftover past from Thursday night for lunch, and headed out to listen to the sounds of the wind against the trees.

 

 

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And then proceeded to play in the sandbox whilst I read a few more chapters of The Enchanted Wood.

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Whilst enjoying the sunshine and listening to the sound of the breeze on the tree above…

30 Days Wild – Day 21

“Our birds”.

It’s kind of strange, having only owned our new house for only 2 months, actually 2 nights away means we really appreciated the sound of being woken by “our birds”. I don’t mean, we have birds as pets… we don’t. I mean the birds that visit our back garden (we really should make an effort to identify them) but they have their own song, and it seems to have settled into us. Being woken by them this morning was so much more gentle and inviting than being woken by the foreign sounds of the nature at the campsite.

They are officially “our birds” now. No other bird song can suffice. We love you birds. Keep up the good work.

30 Days Wild – Day 20

A long journey home through country lanes today, so much wild beauty to be seen.

But the best part of the day was the rain… it had been dry enough for there to be some distinct petrichor in the air. One of my favorite smells of all time, second not even to freshly cut grass or chocolate.

30 Days Wild – Day 18

First day of arrival at camp.

First impressions for everyone was how breathtaking it was to be completely immersed in greenery. Nothing but valley grassed field-land and trees. Beautiful.

Not to mention the reminder of the power of mother nature – listening to the wind whip up the side of the tent. Fierce, furious and wild but wonderful.

30 Days Wild – Day 14

Today we had to walk into town to go back to the opticians and pick up my contact lenses and Logan’s new glasses. On the way back we took a walk along the river. The children wanted to stop and take a look at the patterns that were being created on the water. They stood for about 5 minutes in awe.

Then they noticed two ducks trying to swim upstream against a very fast current and so we had to stand and watch that a while.

As we walked away and towards home, we talked about what we could hear from nature:

  • the running water
  • water crashing against the rocks
  • ducks quacking
  • pigeons cooing
  • wind rustling leaves
  • wind blowing in our ears
  • the flapping of wings

This is what we have noticed today.