ARGH… we thought we had it, we really did…
But despite being involved in the planning and prep, despite having it said to him over and over… because the Birthday Treasure Hunt was held on Caitlin’s birthday weekend, Logan has gotten it into his head that it was her party and he’s not allowed one.
Now that we know and we’ve talked it through with him “what did you ask to do? Who did you invite? Who did we sing Happy Birthday to? When are you getting your cake?” He is feeling happier and understands, but he’d been thinking about it for days. He holds these thoughts in and keeps himself awake lingering over them at bed time, working himself up about how everyone hates him and everyone loves Caitlin. How he’s rubbish and evil and unworthy and to blame for all the rubbish that has happened to him ever.
But we are getting our two pennies worth in, slowly working our thoughts and weaving doubt into his solid logic that he’s so unvalued and worthless. Opening up the idea that maybe he’s not, or at least not all the time. Perhaps he could be liked as himself, and appreciated and valued. And that these things we do aren’t empty “we have to do them” gestures, but instead active, willed and conscious choices.
It’s only a slither of door that’s opened, but that slither shows that there is hope, that perhaps if we keep trying, one day we could open up that world of possibilities to him. Perhaps he could feel comfortable in his own skin. If he achieves nothing else, this is the thing I most want for him. I’m exhausted watching him trying to be what he thinks everyone else wants him to be (often he’s incorrect and ends up geting it totally wrong). And more importantly, watching people respond in a way that further reinforces his incorrect idea of this being the way to behave. It increases his thoughts of not being worthy and says that he should be someone else to please others.
Where’s that magic wand???