NB, This was also written before my laptop broke so posting retrospectively
Breakthroughs, transitions, ups and downs… busy chaos. Pleasant and shifting. Time consuming and exhausting. But sometimes, glimmers of the things that could be closer to the “normal” we dream of, and hope for.
Our life goes like this at times, we just have no contact with the outside world as home life spirals into a chaos-at-home rather than a generally scheduled-up-so-extremely chaotic. In fact, I only wrote the words above before I had to stop. Apparently, caterpillar shaped balloons can produce more hyperactivity than Skittles (or Rowntrees Randoms – they are a good example actually, these two are not allowed those… ever again!!). Anyhow, it means they are currently running around my bedroom whacking each other with the balloons, ultimately leading to a trip up and fall… and a knee being rammed into the wood of my bed.
And… then I stopped again for a full 24 hours. We played several games with the balloons and laughed til we fell off the bed (not even exaggerating – me and both children, several times). Then suddenly we realised it was just before “home time” for Bruce, and I am not sure how it got started, but the kids love hiding from him just before he returns home… but there is a catch – the three of us must hide together and giggle whilst he is looking; in the last week alone we have hidden in the shed, on the high sleeper, under the piano and in my wardrobe.
We try to find our fun in the moments we have, and that is sometimes the reason for my absence here. Not just for all the madness and stress. But to actually take some time to enjoy the good. I get stuck trying to overcompensate for the negativity that can sometimes erupt here. But it is exhausting, especially when so much falls to one person. To me. I sometimes sit here wondering when/if it will be possible to split myself into different pieces, with each piece spawning into a full sized version of me, controlled by my mind (the place that will remain whole, and undivided); to divide and be able to conquer the sometimes overwhelmingly impossible task of parenting the trauma my children have endured. And then I remember, if I divide myself for the menial and troublesome, I also divide myself for the positive… and those moments I want for myself.